Don't wave at me, asshat.

A friend insisted that we go to storytime at a nearby book store because the featured book was about a dog named Biscuit. They read a story, do a related craft and bring out a costumed character from the book. Uh-oh.

Let me just tell you: I hate mo&$*!?&ers in costumes. I hate the tedious little four part pantomime (nod, shake hands, point, hands to mouth like laughing). Mess with me and I'll punch you, creepy f$?&ers. However, I warmed up to Biscuit. Some poor employee had to get into this particularly sight-obstructing costume, get led through a series of cramped aisles and gingerly guided into a wobbly folding chair by two handlers.

I even asked to take a picture with the little biscuit... took a cute picture... and then I heard a loud whisper from within the giant, hollow head, "AM I HOLDING A BABY?"

F$?&er.